Can we heal  from  bipolar illness? This is an illness that takes a toll on the spirit and if healing is not possible then our spiritual self may very well wither and die. With our hope gone, facing another day would be painful and  the death of our physical self close behind. We know that there are far too many who take their own life. But what are the spiritual qualities that make the majority of those with bipolar illness choose to live and even get better?

A lack of hope and a sense of helplessness are key symptoms of depression. These spiritual qualities help determine the extent to which we feel our life is worth living.Feeling wounded is another symptom of depression.

Some would suggest that  life tragedies and hardships cause the kind of wounds that lead to depression. Sometimes depression itself can make us feel wounded.

We have clear examples of how our physical body heals wounds. Is healing from depression and even bipolar similar to the healing of cuts, sores and other wounds?  Is healing of our spiritual wounds possible?  Can we find relief from bipolar illness and even be healed?

It takes significant reflection to answer such questions. I believe we need to  keep asking them. Sharing with each other is part of generating the process of healing. Together we can encourage healing and spiritual growth.

 I am entering a period of time where I am consciously setting aside the feelings of depression and embracing the sunlight. A few months ago, when I was the most seriously depressed the sunshine hurt, the wind irritated my skin and I retreated to my room. I am now feeling the beginning of a sense of balance. Wellness is my goal rather than survival. I am following through with a self enrichment program that includes working out and eating right. It has taken me some time to have a definite wellness plan. For years the rapid cycling took all of my energy to simply stand upright, let alone be able to follow a plan to improve my health.

Celebrating wellness gives me periods of peace and energy. I am aware that I could have problems that threaten my stability. I am trying to take practical steps in daily life to recognize unnecessary emotional baggage and focus on healing from the wounds of the past several years. I have a number of losses that I need to grieve. My goal is to be able to focus on the grief work for brief periods of time and then set it aside for a while. I hope to find a grief group to do this work.

In a practical sense these goals are spiritual because they tap into my faith and hope. The spiritual part of me has been weak for a long time. I can only take one step at a time to restore my spiritual self.  There are a number of reasons why I am feeling more hopeful yet still feel vulnerable. I recognize I could easily struggle with rapid cycling at any point in the future.

One part of my foundation of wellness includes my medications and my trust in my pdoc. I am on a number of medications that address specific problems in my functioning. If I do not know why I am on a particular medication I ask my pdoc and she explains her reasoning for placing me on that particular medication. I take what she says and see if it fits and if I am benefiting from that medication. If I have some doubt about the effectiveness of the medication I discuss it with her.

I am aware that there are authors of numerous blogs that suggest folks should go off medication because it is harmful. Some suggest that alternative therapies are more effective than pharmaceutical medications. The debate seems to go back and forth and I respect the opinions of such well intentioned authors. I believe it does not have to be an either or decision. It is different for each individual and some, including me, would suffer if medication was stopped.

Most folks know that bipolar illness is a spectrum disorder. That means it is not just one set of symptoms but a range of symptoms that is within this disorder. There is also a range in the severity of the illness. Some people with mild symptoms may find it helpful to primarily focus on alternative therapies. Other individuals with very serious symptoms and rapid cycling may have no other choice but to try medication as a first course of treatment. These factors along with other characteristics of the unique individual make treatment of bipolar illness difficult at best. I encourage a dialogue between individuals who can speak from their own experiences to keep the topic alive. I welcome comments regarding this post

I spend a considerable part of my days writing, reading and commenting on blogs. I especially focus on the topic of bipolar illness. Some brave souls write about their ventures into the dark side or more specifically the dark side of a bipolar life. I am not nearly as brave and I only write brief remnants of dumpster diving into that which is my darker side. It seems the more I experience the polarities of this illness the less light there is to ponder the dark side.

It may only be an excuse for me to say I need more light. I have had plenty of times that I was encouraged and inspired to bring the darkness into the light, instead I ran from my fears.  In my younger days I took a few glimpses into the dark memories but I rarely paused long enough to learn from what I saw. The shear darkness of my bipolar experience has been so much in my face that I try to look away and pretend it is not me.

There is something about talking out loud to a trusted friend that helps open your eyes to the sight of the dark side. Then without tears there comes a snapshot of the darkness.  I shared with a friend some of the dark days  that have been mine within the last three years. I am afraid to write about the darkness. It is not the bipolar darkness but the me in the raw. It is darker than the absence of light.  It leaves me trembling in my shoes and I run away from it. Instead I write about my fears of facing life with the absence of light.

My thoughts lately have focused on my life long work as a therapist. After thirty years, my work ended abruptly when I had a serious rapid cycling episode and was hospitalized. I have fond memories of clients that I worked with throughout the years. I particularly remember those with bipolar illness. Some of them linger in my mind and I pause to send white light and hope to them on their journey. I worked primarily with adults and children. Some of the work with them seemed spiritual and self-healing. I viewed my role as a listener and a helper. At other times clients wanted specific direction and guidance about their illness and I walked them through their questions. Some clients needed education regarding their illness. Each of these kinds of experiences meant so much to me and I loved my job.

In my personal experience with bipolar illness I have had two therapists that have been like healers to me. They primarily helped me understand  bipolar illness and how to take care for myself. Their words followed with me as I did therapy. My experience with these therapists was positive and made the difference in me being able to work for all these years. They had different approaches but the outcome was that I learned more about myself and bipolar illness. They both listened and helped me feel I was heard. They let me cry and comforted me while encouraging the growth of my personal power.

I believe we are all entitled to have therapy that is helpful. What each of us need may be different and it may take effort to find a therapist that is a good fit. It seems to me that therapy needs to help us take care of ourselves and about healing from the wounds of bipolar illness. If the therapist is not a good match it is very much ok to find a therapist that is a match and understands bipolar illness.

As I have read other blogs about folks with bipolar illness there has been very little about therapy as part of the recovery from bipolar. Some have identified seeing therapists but others have made no mention at all about therapy. So I am curious and would appreciate your comments about these questions. What part has therapy played in your understanding of bipolar illness? In what ways has therapy been helpful? How has therapy been disappointing? I will respond to your comments so feel free to say what you feel. Thank you for your comments.

Spring comes again with colors popping through.  Peopledog Petey and I stroll the green acres of my home. My mind is quiet-reminiscent of childhood silence.

Sweet prairie grass flields beyond my backyard and home, Clouds floating, I was silent and melting into the earth.

The eye of her tears-my mother my friend, silenced and gone. Motherland, Mother Earth, calling in unison-harvest your mother’s tears! Sharing the illness, sharing the pain.    Where are the tears?

My Mother is gone.

 I have some big question without any answers. I have been free from depression and mania for nearly four months. It has been 2 years since my last hospitalization. I follow a careful routine each day and cope with the boredom that goes along with it. I am now asking myself; if it is time to take new steps from here where I am now to over there what over there looks like? It might be a place with more spontaneity and playfulness. What does that look like? I wonder if I am capable of having excitement without the fear of becoming manic. As soon as I wrote the last question I thought, if I were doing therapy with someone I would have encouraged the person to face up to the fears and move forward.

I wonder if a formula exists to determine when it is time to take the next step. Is it time to add more to my daily life? Is there a ratio of days spent in rapid cycling to days of stability?  In my training as a therapist I can’t recall any formula or a ratio.

 It has been over two years now since I was working as a therapist. The excitement and spontaneity came in large part from my work. The enjoyment now is writing which does not directly include other people. The blog offers some exchange but leaves my human contact still lacking.

As I wrote the last paragraph it seems clear that the part of my life that is lacking is people contact. The over there becomes more defined as I write. It is time and energy put into making new friends It is certainly helpful for me to write especially in response to questions. Does this make any sense?

There is a place where I have one foot in the manic and one foot in reality and it is delightful. This place is before I ride the highest wave and definitely before I crash and burn. This place keeps me from being an ordinary person, my biggest dread.

 I walk a fine line from falling into that place and never coming out. But then I remember what it is like to stay in that place and the pain it causes. I watch for the sneaky manic to go full force and steam roll me over.

In that place I am not aware of my actions and how far from delightful I am. That exact footstep is out of view so I only allow myself one foot in and one foot out. If there is a pull from the manic side I run like crazy as far as I can go. It is worth the risk of that one foot in to avoid the ordinary.