I am committed to sharing images and metaphors that express my experience with bipolar illness. It is easier to explain about depression than the rapid cycling dimension of my illness. The cycling became progressively worse over the last few years and at times the mania and depression overlapped. Rapid cycling for me seemed “electrical”. Racing thoughts seemed like jabs and jolts of nonsensical words and a desire to make all kinds of noises. My eyes seemed “bloody” by the end of the day from the edge of my nerves piercing my sight. At the end of each work day I was obsessed to do heavy physical work until I was thoroughly exhausted.

It is easy to find an image in nature that mirrors the symptoms of rapid cycling and that is the cycle of thunderstorms. In Oklahoma we are certainly not lacking for a variety of storms and even deadly tornadoes. I live within what is called tornado alley and this time of year is threatened with severe storms almost every week. Compared to my experience with rapid cycling symptoms I would take a storm any day.

                     Cycle of the Storm

Yesterday it was raining buckets long before dawn. I was awake and gathering my thoughts for today’s post. The night before held a grey-green stillness that announced the coming of a storm. It was also the gathering of electrical energy in the atmosphere heard in the far off rumble of thunder and blinking flashes of lighting. All through the night the storm worked its way through to the end but it was the build up that was threatening.

Out my bedroom window I could see the ranch to the south. Three paint ponies and two young colts were darting through the pasture with tails and manes flying high. It was a framed off scene of power and beauty. Yet in the rapid cycling years I would experience sensations of electrical exhilaration with the very sight of running horses. But soon my dream of riding bare back would mutate into a distorted sense of my self flying high and summon all kinds of melancholy. I would be the captive of my “chair of depression”.

Despite the storm I drove into town. Rushing red water was flooding over some of the low lying roadways. I decided to take an alternate route to avoid the murky stream of muddy red water. My mind was somewhat distracted by the periodic down pours and the concern that I might hydro plane at any moment. My shoulders were tense, my eyes tightened and I questioned my decision to make the trip. Before long the rain let up and the sun came out. I began to relax and take in the beautiful glow of sunshine through the clouds. This had been one of the harder trips to make but the images were clear and I needed to tell this story. As if awakening from a nightmare the recollection of rapid cycling is fading and I am once again in my new found place of peace and wellness.