I am also excited that I have a new p-doc. I had been seeing a p-doc in a town over 3 hours away. I had seen her for several years and the decisions to change to a local p-doc took some time to sort through.  But I saw him this week and I was pleased with his interview with me and his ideas about my medication. I have been having word blocking and short term memory problems and he suggests I tapper back on some of the meds. I sense his competence and will trust the plan of changing my meds. I will include my response to these changes in future posts in the hope that it will be helpful for others.

When I worked with clients who had bipolar my initial role was to help them identify their feelings and sensations as different medications were introduced  to their treatment plan. This is what I am attempting to do with my recent decrease of seroquel. So far I am not experiencing any side effects. I am  eager to share with you.

We remain with our feet firmly planted and in most situations are incapable of reaching the height of the oak, maple or evergreens. What are the lessons to be learned from our relative, grandfather the tree? Could it be that the miracle of the trees is for us to ask our questions individually  and retrieve the answers on our own. In our own way with our ear close to grandfather tree surely wisdom will come

The tiny green buds popping on the branches are pulling the new growth of the tree skyward. The swaying back and forth and first the gentle breeze and then the forceful winds of an impending storm These are the lessons taught by the tree saying- change with the changes.

There is new growth on a brittle old grand father branch falling to earth as it returns to the earth to complete the pattern of change and growth. Lessons are there for us to learn. We listen and the wisdom comes our way. If we just question the tree and learn the nature of – defiance of gravity.

Perhaps this is one of the healing quallities of writing.  Even if I were to merely describe a cricket or think about the purpose of a crow; I am taken away from the days of endless pain. Searching for the words can be an adventure in itself. Since I have reading and spelling problems I turn to the dictionary for help. It is  simplistic for me and helps me stay grounded with my writing. It also helps me explore expressions and at times the process is delightful. My head turns to the left when I write. Ijust realized that it also turns to the left when I am participating in nature.

What if I were to write about people? Would I become more of a participant? Would it be healing? I have not been a people person or a people watcher. But since leaving work I have extra space in my mind and  in my mind’s eye. I look at people from a different perspective. I am still bored with chit chat but better understand it’s soical function.

I encourage you to write and search for the simple things in life.

It was more of a struggle than I thought to find a job. It is important that I accept the limitations and strengths that are mine. Today I am sixty. The most complicated decision for today is whether I want icing on my brownies. What do you think?

I am pondering subtle changes that I want to make to my blog. Any suggestions?

Then I noticed that the Crow’s leg was wounded and her rhythm was in response to the pain in her leg. My humming stopped and I felt sad that I had been so self-centered to think that the Creator had that particular Crow cross my path for a moment of pleasure.

The experience with that dear Crow gave me pause to ponder those situations in life in which folks find humor in others suffering. The example came to mind of people who are over weight and how they are the topic of either ridicule or the butt of a joke. But here I go again taking life way beyond serious and into the topic of pain. Perhaps it is that my own pain is fading and my focus is less on my own wounds but instead is directed toward other creatures. SWEET!

I have simple and uncomplicated personal relationships with my family and a few good friends. It is not an exhausting experience to be with them and I treasure the comfortable exchanges. Friendships seem to have a season and now they are certainly a prosperous harvest of long term connections.

Somehow there is that missing primary relationship that calls to me. I question whether I will live out my life alone or will find another relationship. At times I think of how spectacular the relationship was with my partner and wonder if I could ever accept someone else in my heart. At other times I long to have a companion to share my life.

I suppose the process of discovering what is next in my life is the best way to answer the questions swimming in my mind. It also seems that my contentment is fine for now until there is more to my life. I have found in reading other blogs that many of you are in a similar stage of questioning your own life from many perspectives. An important part of writing for me is to reach out to my friends in the blogging world.

Blessed be the friendships that come !our way

I have been writing regarding retirement from my career as a therapist. This is different than being on disability. It has helped to shift my work from writing as a person with bipolar to a focus on my life in transition. I find that I feel a lack of purpose and therefore have been trying to find a “job” that would fill my need to be contributing through work. I doubt that any other job would come close to what I found doing therapy. I have placed the job search on hold and have invested hours each day to writing. I think this may be the focus for me for now. The words seem to flow and I am enjoying the structure of my days doing writing.

 I will share some of my writing when it seems relevant. I do so appreciate each of you and your comments are very helpful. Some of you have commented that I need not have to be “writing” to enter a post and I can certainly see how this relates to my life transition issues. I thank you for holding me in your thoughts when I am not posting.This has been my attempt to check in and let you know how I am doing.

I had prospects of a job that did not work out but I have another temporary job that is even healthier for me. I am doing landscape work for some friends. I can do the work gradually and it is good to be outside. All in all I am settling down to a new routine. I talk with my sister a couple of times each day and we meet for lunch a few times each week.

The idea that change is circular came to me today as I went to visit my sister. The adjustment this last month has been somewhat difficult but I could not put it into words. I found myself having very few words replaced by quiet feelings. I feel stronger now and know that part of the circle of change is to feel more connected.

 I have written before about the roller coaster road to my sister’s house. The fullness of nature is wonderful on that drive. I knew I had come full circle in this process of change when I saw one of the eagles that resides in just the same place as I have seen her before.  Instead of swooping low as I passed by, the eagle was flying high in the sky. The message of change from the spirit of eagle seemed to encourage me in my new found independence. This seemed to be the part of the circle that keeps my feet planted on the ground while risking to  reach for more.

There are other parts of the circle of change and I want to be patient and yet deliberate in allowing the flow of the circle to to light my way. While I continue to be grateful for being vertical in the face my illness I am drawn to the movement of the circle and the life sustaining change happening in my life.

I am inspired by a new country side and made the move to my new home without much disruption. I have had time to lovingly place my special collection of stones, shells and pictures around in my new place. I have touches of memories in my dwelling place that make my heart beat with joy. Many of the things I treasure have been packed away since I lived with my sister and space was limited. It is over a year since I lived with my partner and then grieved her death. She and I collected many of the treasures that filled our home with nature and love. I am blessed to move to the next phase of recovery in my own space. I don’t cry at her passing too much but rather celebrate the beauty of nature that filled our home.

I also celebrate my connection with so many folks in the blogging world.  I am committed to restoring those connections. The friendships with each of you are a significant part of my recovery. I feel less isolated and sense a bond that is grounded in compassion and healing rather than an illness. My mind is clear and I am at peace. I wish for each of you a similar sense of wellness.