I have found a part time job and feel good about this step in my journey to wellness. I have not been active at all and I miss you all very much. It may be a while longer as I will be moving closer to my job and to live by myself.  I have had over  a year of living with my sister and now I am ready to step out on my own.

I will continue to live in the country and draw  inspiration for my writings from nature. I will enjoy returning to the sharing process and have daily contact with you all.

I will be down and back on line on the weekend and will  connect with you at that  time.  I wish each of you well and look forward to getting back to my routine with you. Peace and more so….

Hummingbird and Peopledogs

Occasionally I write stories using childhood themes. One such story is about my partner whose nickname was Hummingbird. Some of you know she died last summer. My Daddy gave me the nickname of Pete who is the narrator of this story. I had a creature friend when I was a child and she was a Horny Toad. They are lizard like creatures who are now nearly extinct but were plentiful in the 1950’s. I hope you enjoy this story.

Next to Horny Toad, my next best creature friends are Peopledogs. I learned the importance of having precious Peopledogs as life companions from my dear friend Hummingbird. We would dance with the fireflies under breath taking Northern Lights. Hummer and I were friends for many years. We traveled to see islands and volcanoes and back again. She sang from dawn to dusk and the other creatures smiled when she was around. She was one swell kind of a Hummer who filled my days with delight. She sang and I whistled lovely music that filled the air. We sat on the shore of big waters with our Peopledogs at our side and they knew that we loved them best of the other creatures.

Hummer would tell stories from her childhood and how in the back yard of her house she would have fancy tea parties and invite many guests. But her most important guest were here friends Peopledogs. She would serve the sweetest tea and the yummiest cookies and her guests never left hungry. After serving them tea Hummer let them use her swing and she pushed them high in the sky while singing them a beautiful tune. Just before the darkness would come and the fireflies filled her back yard, the party would end. The neighborhood guests would leave and she took Peopledog into her bedroom. Hummer and Peopledog laughed and laughed about the fun they had at the party.

On many occasions Hummer shared with me that Peopledogs have heartstrings that mend the wounds of little children. They speak up for little ones when there are only tears streaming down their face. When children are shy or quiet or have their feelings hurt they need Peopledogs in the worst kind of way. Hummer had let me know that the Creator had made Peopledogs of this sort just to help with children in some kind of hurt.

When I was a little tomboy my Peopledog was Tipi and he was my very first real and true creature friend. Without Tipi I wouldn’t have found Horny Toad and without Hummer I would never have learned about the importance of keeping a Peopledog with me for all my life. To this day I have always had a Peopledog by my side

As life went on my friend hummingbird flew full force into the blustery wind and crossed over to the other side. Before she left she helped me learn many life lessons and most of the mysteries about Peopledogs. Today as a grown up and when it is dusk I listen real close and in between the sounds of crickets I hear the buzzing and humming melody of my friend Hummingbird. I tuck my Peopledog  PeteyFaye close to my side and whistle until the moon is in sight. Goodnight sweet Hummer, well done and more so…and will be.

I just returned from a brief vacation with a friend. We went to Missouri for her to purchase a Recreational Vehicle. It was a relaxing and pleasant trip with much laughter and sharing stories from our past. The trip was only three days long but we had so much fun that it seemed like several days. The comfort of being with a friend who also laughs a lot is just what I need. We appreciated the beautiful country side of hills and lushes green and we laughed at each others corny jokes.

What was important about this trip was that I was just a friend. I was not a friend with bipolar who was moody or irritable. Nor was I overly sensitive when my friend would poke fun at me when I couldn’t find the words I needed in a conversation. It was simply two friends spending time together. We have known each other long enough to have a level of trust to share feelings and life stories

We spent the bigger part of two evenings and into the night telling life stories. At one point my friend asked if I talked with friends during some of the difficult times in the past. I had to admit that I did not share my daily troubles with anyone in the past. It was even more difficult to share my feelings and thoughts. I don’t know that I knew how to share my emotions and thoughts in years past. It was almost as though I was being choked by some aspect of bipolar. Expressing my feelings and thoughts was out of the question. Many of the folks that I knew did not know I had bipolar. My co-workers were unaware that I had bipolar. For the bigger part of my life I did not have a therapist. All in all I was primarily alone and could not express my experience with the illness bipolar.

My friend is a therapist and a wonderful listener. I still find it difficult to talk about the more painful experiences of my life. I shared what seemed an outline of my life story but didn’t land on any one particular story. I am fairly sure that I will share more in time. What is it about this illness that it can rob us of so many of the ordinary yet important aspects of life? Sharing with a friend and building a history with each other by telling past history is so important in building a connection. I don’t think I need to answer this question. I think I need to enjoy the relationship with my friend and let it be a healing part of my journey to wellness.  

Sunday and it is one day until the end of June. It is mild outside with periodic cloud cover and a gentle breeze. What a perfect day to work in the garden and collect the veggies that have come to season. A cool breeze and a comfortable day to attend to the garden are rare in Oklahoma this time of year. But it is the heat that helps give the homegrown taste and makes every bead of sweat and a sore back well worth the effort.

There is a taste of the earth present in each veggie. It is not the essence dirt, only turnips taste like purple dirt. But it is a connection to the spirit of the earth that makes you feel healthy with each bite. So tonight we will have a supper of fresh potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes and squash. Water melon and cantaloupe are on the vine but not quite ready.

I went to the Farmers Market yesterday and found a cantaloupe. What a lovely summer evening it will be. No recollection of bipolar, just taking in the sweetness of the day and country living. Healing of the body and spirit from Mother Earth.

One of reasons I am able to be more in touch with wellness is that I no longer use alcohol and other drugs. I stopped using in 1996 but have struggled some since then. It turns out that I was medicating myself with alcohol and marijuana. This was especially true in relation to mood swings. When I was manic I would use marijuana to calm me and when I was depressed I “took the edge off” by drinking. I was fully aware of the impact of drugs but did it anyway. I tried the12 Step Approach at different periods of time and with some success. I have not remained active but do attend when it seems I need or want to attend a meeting. My beliefs about staying healthy come from some of the 12 Step Programs. The last time I attended a meeting I had the following thoughts come to mind.

                                12 Steps and Ten Toes

 I walked out of the 12 Step Meeting questioning the idea of one step at a time.  It sounds simple but a life time of racing thoughts makes it difficult to put one foot in front of the other.  I did what I typically do; I broke it down and simplified it. Each foot has its part but the toes somehow seem underestimated in considering the steps.

Toes are crucial in maintaining balance. As a child we delight in “standing on our tippy toes”, which prepares us for a life long balancing act  The big toe is the navigator; it points the way and establishes a direction.  Unfortunately the big toe is easily stumped and we are thrown off course.  The big toe is also prone to fungus and other diseases.  Our progress is hindered as time is needed to mend the toe.

The other eight toes work together with the soul of the foot to propel the foot forward and help balance the spirit.  When our toes are out of balance we trip over our own two feet. Then our job is to pick ourselves up before taking the next step.

I have come to understand why 12 Step Programs can be hard for me.  My toes are weary and my bones have been broken. I definitely have tripped over my own two feet.  It will take time but I will continue to put one foot in front of the other as best as I can

 
Nature is my touchstone as I celebrate my tender time of wellness. A celebration with nature is a gathering of kindred spirits. Late night adventures of catching fireflies in a fruit jar used as candles on a red devils food cake in honor my Ma Crocker. The blustery wind is captured just long enough to blow out the flittering candles for a warm, down home celebration of life. Springtime gatherings are mindful of thunderstorms that bring torrential rain. The red dirt transforms into fire red streams, the water is spirited and has a life of its own as it cuts crevices in the landscape  The wind may be in full force or tornadoes threaten but the celebration goes on.

Having survived a direct hit by a tornado I marvel that I survived and just lost my house. The morning after was a time of celebration with friends and family gathering for support. Just as there will be thunder storms and even tornadoes so is there the threat of illness and depression. Nature is my touchstone and I will celebrate wellness. Nature is my healer and I am mindful of this delicate freedom from illness.

I was driving the hills and hollows near my sweet country home when my eyes were drawn to a pasture of Angus Cattle. A pasture of cattle is not an unusual sight for this part of the country with some ranches raising herds of cattle and others horses. The unusual was the sight of more than 20 Snowy White Egret grazing with the cattle. It was as if the creator had arranged the miracle of nature as part of my celebration of wellness. I have never seen these pure white birds in the company of cattle and the sight of the birds made my heart race as I was sure it happened just for me.
As I came closer to the city I was eager to tell my friend about the miracle. I was sure she would know the reason for this occurrence and respond in amazement just as I had done earlier that day. I asked if she had ever seen Egrets graze with cattle. She replied in a matter of fact way with “sure I have”. I asked why the birds were in the pasture with the cattle. She again responded with a matter of fact tone, “They are feeding on the cattle manure”. She also reminded me that I live near a lake and a nature preserve.
I let myself continue to be amazed at the sight of the egrets in the pasture but ignored the purpose for them grazing with the cattle. It was during this encounter and discussion with my friend that I realized my tendency lately to see things as a gift and something special instead of just a bird eating on a pile of shit. A few months ago I would have ignored the beautiful birds altogether and just felt like shit! It is another example of a glimpse of the ordinary being an all together celebration of wellness

Just outside my back door and several yards to the east is a small pond. Last summer it never seemed too inviting but instead was one more job of cleaning and clearing than a source of pleasure. But day before yesterday, there were two Great Blue Herons taking flight from the water’s edge. Then a day later there was a mallard duck. I feel honored that the Creator shared such beauty in the middle of red dirt country of Oklahoma. I so appreciate the gift of these feathered friends

To go outside and watch the birds is a little bit risky. There are various nests of wasps in the eves of the house. If you have ever been stung by these dive bombing creatures you will appreciate the risk in going outside just beyond the back door to enjoy the beauty of the birds. It makes no sense to get a bee keeper suit or to wear long sleeve shirts year round. So I just summon my courage and move closer to the pond to wait for the show. If I am patient I am never disappointed as there are several other kinds of birds that can be seen beside the waters edge.  

When I am peacefully perched for bird watching my mind ponders how glad I am that I have recovered from my illness and want to be outside. The serious depression of last summer was so uncomfortable that being outside was like being stung by a wasp. I retreated back into the house and only came out to do the necessary chores.

I didn’t even watch for the birds from my window, the glare of the sun was piecing and I pulled the drapes.

What a contrast, this spring to take in the breeze and love the sun on my face. I have the energy and desire to risk the sting of wasps to see the beautiful view outside. I marvel at the healing power of nature, the support of family and friends and the helpfulness of my medication. For the first time in many years I feel what it is to be well

 I have some big question without any answers. I have been free from depression and mania for nearly four months. It has been 2 years since my last hospitalization. I follow a careful routine each day and cope with the boredom that goes along with it. I am now asking myself; if it is time to take new steps from here where I am now to over there what over there looks like? It might be a place with more spontaneity and playfulness. What does that look like? I wonder if I am capable of having excitement without the fear of becoming manic. As soon as I wrote the last question I thought, if I were doing therapy with someone I would have encouraged the person to face up to the fears and move forward.

I wonder if a formula exists to determine when it is time to take the next step. Is it time to add more to my daily life? Is there a ratio of days spent in rapid cycling to days of stability?  In my training as a therapist I can’t recall any formula or a ratio.

 It has been over two years now since I was working as a therapist. The excitement and spontaneity came in large part from my work. The enjoyment now is writing which does not directly include other people. The blog offers some exchange but leaves my human contact still lacking.

As I wrote the last paragraph it seems clear that the part of my life that is lacking is people contact. The over there becomes more defined as I write. It is time and energy put into making new friends It is certainly helpful for me to write especially in response to questions. Does this make any sense?

I miss doing my previous work as a therapist. I loved working with children and adults and feeling that I was making a difference. Now I have relatively little human contact in contrast to the eight or nine hours spent in doing therapy.  I enjoyed listening and felt at ease giving comments that at times seemed helpful. I spent thirty years as a therapist and I am now grieving the loss of my work.

I had an increase in rapid cycling bipolar and especially more manic than I had experienced for many years. It was obvious that I could no longer work and I am now on disability. The frequency of mood swings is less but I have considerable problems in thinking and concentrating. This has made it difficult to make new friends. It has also made it difficult on-line. I enjoy doing this blog and hope it helps me connect with others. It is difficult doing the writing and it takes me a long time to write. It is especially hard to make comments. I am not sure why but I feel awkward and “out of it” when I try to express my thoughts and feelings. It is similar to when I first meet people or think they might be friends. I have always felt this way with people.

 My problems making friends has been with me since childhood. This may have been from feeling inadequate with people. I enjoyed being with animals and alone more than in making new friendships. I am quiet by nature and struggle to find words to be with people in person and on- line. It may also be because I have problems reading and writing in general. I don’t know if it is because of learning problems or bipolar. It is probably part of both. Please be patient with me if I am not coming through and not making sense. I will keep trying and hope that I can find the words to express my feelings and respond to your comments.