So how is life?  Life for me is peaceful. I have known of folks who have had butterflies land on their hand and rest there for a brief encounter. I have assumed that it was in part because the person had such peace that the butterfly felt safe to land.  I have a friend who has had a dragonfly come in the window of her car to land whole on her chest. But I have never known such grace that would allow for such a lovely gift from the winged ones.

But as I said life is peaceful and I am more comfortable in my own skin. Day before yesterday I extended my hand to a Monarch Butterfly and she slowly climbed on. She stayed for a while and let me know I was ok.  I am thankful for a better understanding of grace.

I have a new pdoc who has suggested I get off of some of the meds I have been taking. He started with Seroquel. I have been on 600 mg. for 3 yrs.  My pdoc thought some of my problems with blurred thinking and difficulty finding my words might be side-effects of  Seroquel. I have tappered off now and start the final month of taking this med.

One benfit I had on Seroquel was management of tremors. I have had familial tremors for most of my life and had seen a decrease in them since being on the med. My pdoc asked how much of a problem they were and if I wanted to stay on Seroquel. I had no doubt that  I would  rather have the tremors and  be more alert and aware of my thoughts and feelings than to be dull and out of touch

I trust my new p-doc and I look forward to more changes in my meds. It is refreshing to  go off of some of  the meds that  made me feel more ill than perhaps I am at this point.

As a therapist and an individual with bipolar I would like to explore with you my experience of working with impaired cognitive functioning. During a full blown episode cognitive process can become so impaired that it can lead to significant behavior changes. Before one acts out in dramatic ways, a subtle disconnect with others can be noted and can target a need for work on the issues at hand.  This can be an inability to pick up on social cues and a difficulty in grasping the meaning of words and phrases. Developing strategies that help with this subtle problem can be important

In my last post I used the words ambivalence and resistance in questioning why I had not been writing on my blog. If I was depressed I would have attributed this to the depression itself. If I was hypo manic my thoughts might be rapid fire making  it difficult to know what I was thinking and feeling let alone be able to share with others.

I just want to say that I am not an expert on therapeutic techniques in treating bipolar. I do have my own experience with this illness and my struggle with it I need to gain more understanding about my illness so I can stay well. I have worked with a simple cognitive exercise that has helped me and others clarify the meaning of words and improve thinking, feelings and eventually to manage behavior.

This may sound like an overly simplistic exercise with little benefit. However, I have used it many times and have found it helpful. For example, when I was sorting out my reasons for not writing on my blog, I used the words ambivalence and resistance. For me there is a subtle difference in the meaning of these two words. I am recovering from depression for a few months now. I think it is helpful to understand what I am saying, how I am feeling and what it means to make healthy choices.

The next part of this exercise is to identify the common definition of the words. This may even involve going to a dictionary for clarity In my situation the meaning of ambivalence is essentially mixed feelings about writing on my blog. The word resistance is uncertainty and indecisiveness. My experience with resistance is like a roadblock that has roots in my self doubt. To remain well I want to confront the roadblocks and put my thoughts and feelings into healthy action

Working with this exercise I have decided to journal about my mixed feelings as I consider connecting with others. I have also decided to do an art project which would portray an image of my roadblocks in a literal way. I have also decided to continue with my blog.

I hope this exercise will be helpful for you. If it is helpful you may want to tell your therapist about it. It may be helpful to discuss your thoughts and feelings when you are confused or feel overwhelmed

Hello again to my friends that have been with me for a year or so. I also welcome those of you who are just finding my blog. In my previous post I mentioned that I wanted to make some changes in my blog. I think I have a direction that will satisfy my efforts to do storytelling and journaling. As part of this effort I want to share mine and hope you will share yours. I feel this may be a helpful way to progress down the road of wellness and find healing. I will be writing from the perspective of an ordinary person and not as a therapist. If I write as a therapist I will let you know. I have already found stories that come from my childhood and have helped me understand about the role that bipolar has played in my life. I also found humorous childhood experiences that make me giggle and lighten my day. Both kinds of stories have been simple, childlike and helpful. Please feel free to join me and share your stories. Peace, Annie

 I am entering a period of time where I am consciously setting aside the feelings of depression and embracing the sunlight. A few months ago, when I was the most seriously depressed the sunshine hurt, the wind irritated my skin and I retreated to my room. I am now feeling the beginning of a sense of balance. Wellness is my goal rather than survival. I am following through with a self enrichment program that includes working out and eating right. It has taken me some time to have a definite wellness plan. For years the rapid cycling took all of my energy to simply stand upright, let alone be able to follow a plan to improve my health.

Celebrating wellness gives me periods of peace and energy. I am aware that I could have problems that threaten my stability. I am trying to take practical steps in daily life to recognize unnecessary emotional baggage and focus on healing from the wounds of the past several years. I have a number of losses that I need to grieve. My goal is to be able to focus on the grief work for brief periods of time and then set it aside for a while. I hope to find a grief group to do this work.

In a practical sense these goals are spiritual because they tap into my faith and hope. The spiritual part of me has been weak for a long time. I can only take one step at a time to restore my spiritual self.  There are a number of reasons why I am feeling more hopeful yet still feel vulnerable. I recognize I could easily struggle with rapid cycling at any point in the future.

One part of my foundation of wellness includes my medications and my trust in my pdoc. I am on a number of medications that address specific problems in my functioning. If I do not know why I am on a particular medication I ask my pdoc and she explains her reasoning for placing me on that particular medication. I take what she says and see if it fits and if I am benefiting from that medication. If I have some doubt about the effectiveness of the medication I discuss it with her.

I am aware that there are authors of numerous blogs that suggest folks should go off medication because it is harmful. Some suggest that alternative therapies are more effective than pharmaceutical medications. The debate seems to go back and forth and I respect the opinions of such well intentioned authors. I believe it does not have to be an either or decision. It is different for each individual and some, including me, would suffer if medication was stopped.

Most folks know that bipolar illness is a spectrum disorder. That means it is not just one set of symptoms but a range of symptoms that is within this disorder. There is also a range in the severity of the illness. Some people with mild symptoms may find it helpful to primarily focus on alternative therapies. Other individuals with very serious symptoms and rapid cycling may have no other choice but to try medication as a first course of treatment. These factors along with other characteristics of the unique individual make treatment of bipolar illness difficult at best. I encourage a dialogue between individuals who can speak from their own experiences to keep the topic alive. I welcome comments regarding this post

My thoughts lately have focused on my life long work as a therapist. After thirty years, my work ended abruptly when I had a serious rapid cycling episode and was hospitalized. I have fond memories of clients that I worked with throughout the years. I particularly remember those with bipolar illness. Some of them linger in my mind and I pause to send white light and hope to them on their journey. I worked primarily with adults and children. Some of the work with them seemed spiritual and self-healing. I viewed my role as a listener and a helper. At other times clients wanted specific direction and guidance about their illness and I walked them through their questions. Some clients needed education regarding their illness. Each of these kinds of experiences meant so much to me and I loved my job.

In my personal experience with bipolar illness I have had two therapists that have been like healers to me. They primarily helped me understand  bipolar illness and how to take care for myself. Their words followed with me as I did therapy. My experience with these therapists was positive and made the difference in me being able to work for all these years. They had different approaches but the outcome was that I learned more about myself and bipolar illness. They both listened and helped me feel I was heard. They let me cry and comforted me while encouraging the growth of my personal power.

I believe we are all entitled to have therapy that is helpful. What each of us need may be different and it may take effort to find a therapist that is a good fit. It seems to me that therapy needs to help us take care of ourselves and about healing from the wounds of bipolar illness. If the therapist is not a good match it is very much ok to find a therapist that is a match and understands bipolar illness.

As I have read other blogs about folks with bipolar illness there has been very little about therapy as part of the recovery from bipolar. Some have identified seeing therapists but others have made no mention at all about therapy. So I am curious and would appreciate your comments about these questions. What part has therapy played in your understanding of bipolar illness? In what ways has therapy been helpful? How has therapy been disappointing? I will respond to your comments so feel free to say what you feel. Thank you for your comments.

Listening is an art. It is more than a conversation, especially when it is in therapy. It is the silencing of the part of the mind that is thinking about what is said or thinking about a  response . It calls for a quiet mind and simplicity in listening along with the other person. As a therapist it was a joy to listen more than to say the right thing. As a therapist with bipolar I was grateful each time my mind was quiet, I could listen and the other person was heard.