If you do not know me by now I am Annie. I have not done my profile because I don’t know what I want to say about myself. In one sense I am a peculiar kind of chameleon in basic shades of flesh. Even when in my manic episodes I don’t become colorful I simply change flesh tones faster. I suppose that makes me sound ordinary and in some ways I am Being a chameleon takes on a special meaning when you live “down home”, with ordinary folks. I live in a rural area in the middle of Oklahoma where the red dirt can be seen for miles and I am no where near Madagascar, the home of other chameleons I no longer have a need to change into bright colors but my ability to blend into the woodwork is helpful at times. I can hide from the noise and chatter of more than a few people. When I am afraid of depression creeping in I can change colors and attract someone to engage in conversation.My need to use the chameleon part of me has changed since I live in the country.I have a long history of being a chameleon and it has served me well. I need it less and my ability to be casual and comfortable with people is a welcome gift.I will ponder what to put in my profile. Ponder is a popular word in Oklahoma. To ponder is similar to contemplation but with less intensity.

It is important to have an effective support system. I think it is important to have a psychiatrist and therapist as part of a support system. However, some of us have such entrenched layers of resistance that we find it difficult to let others help us. There are a number of sources that fuel resistance. It can come from fear of the unknown or mistrust of the mental health system. It seems important to listen to these feelings but also continue searching for a therapist who understands bipolar disorder.  Family and friends can be an important part of  the support system. I know this has been the case for me but I have had a problem with hiding how I feel so others will not know the extent of my illness. I am working on this part of me and I am having some success.  

It has been necessary for me to turn to the other parts of self to decipher which foot goes in front of the other so I can make it from here to there in one piece. The concept of using me myself and I  is not to be confused with having distinctly different personalities. This is very much like having a  navigation template in my brain that organizes my daily life despite the manic and depressive parts of self. This is especially important because I have rapid cycling bipolar illness. I am not advocating that those with bipolar be their own therapist. I tried often to find someone that understood bipolar illness and could help me with my particular resistance.

 Even though I lived in the Twin Cities of Minnesota I could not find a therapist. I was well known as a therapist which meant it was difficult to find the privacy I needed for therapy. After I had to leave my work, I did have a wonderful therapist for a brief time. She was helpful with the grief related to a series of losses. If I had stayed in the Twin Cities I am certain I would have benefited from therapy. But for now I turn to the sum total of one; me myself and I. The following is a brief description of how I use these parts of self as a map in daily living.

1. I describe me as the part that is the gatekeeper of emotions and perceptions and is the most fragile part of self. It depends on the other parts to keep me alive.
2.  Myself is the filter that is primarily cognitive and visual, as such it can take a situation that comes out of the blue and make sense of it. This part especially uses the mind’s eye to figure out what life brings my way. This part also tries to sort through the bull that is often present inside of me.
3. The I part of self is the part that stands upright as best as possible. I present my essence to the world with as much authenticity as possible. This part is the spiritual self that says I am. The spirit also says I am alive and struggling to find peace.  I have hope and a belief that it is possible to experience connections with others despite my people fears.  I also believe that there is a life giving force that I know as the Creator. This part is also the connection with my Cherokee ancestors.

The navigation template originated in my later childhood. I was clearly having some rapid cycling in my preteens. My parents tried to get help for me but I did not have a therapist who understood me.  I turned to myself that had made it so far and translated in childlike language my painful feelings and confusing thoughts.  The me part was often frightened and naive. The choices I made were, at times, less than adequate or should I say the illness twisted my mind and the consequences were painful. It took the combination of me, myself and I to manage daily life. The resulting pain and confusion in my adolescences defined the bipolar disorder in more distinct detail than in my childhood. I was hospitalized in a Children’s Psychiatric Hospital for several months with very little positive outcome.