It came to me today that there are brief snippets of humor spontaneously popping out with my friends and family. Much of the time I make wise cracks about myself or innocently poke fun at my loved ones. I figure that to truly mend my funny bone I need to know more about it. For instance where is the funny bone located in my body? For a long time I have imagined that it is situated in my heart space and connected to my rib cage. It seems that the sense of humor radiates from this space and is connected to laughter in my belly.

But then I think the seat of humor may actually be somewhere near my minds eye. A twinkle typically comes to my eyes when I laugh with other folks. There is also a blend of my life being ironic with my life being one big joke. I pause for a moment to check my manic-meter to measure what I call my “bull shit factor”.

For the last several years I have experienced symptoms of rapid cycling bipolar. When there was an internal momentum of energy building, especially humor and joking around I would begin to build on that energy with silliness and nonsensical word play that left me embarrassed and made a huge disconnect with others. It became difficult to pull in my chatter and it left others shaking their head and seeing me as a basket case. The final result was that I had a high level of the “bull shit factor”.

This rapid cycling became more difficult to manage at work and staying present with clients in therapy was at times more than I could contain. It was as if I could see it happen and watch as a particular version of word play and noises made their way into the conversation despite my desire to be what the client needed. This was in part what led to me having to leave my work as a therapist. These problems along with periodic depression that left me in a trance resulted in me being unable to work and going on disability. I vacillate between feeling shame about this part of me and feeling compassion for myself for the loss of a work that I loved.

How bittersweet it is to need my funny bone to be alive and thriving and yet have a moment of hesitation. I fear that I might crank up my joking and fall into a pool of silliness. Then what was predictable in the past was the death grip of depression blackening the pool of silliness. But then I just may be healthier now and can sit back and enjoy my funny bone in action!

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my twenties I had the realization that a cruel part of my brain had taken far too much of a toll on my mind.   My brain had ravished my mind and I was truly clueless until I heard the diagnosis helped me understand.  I understand it this way; the brain is an organ of thought and nervous coordination.  The mind is the part that perceives feels and reasons.  

My nervous system misfires at will as it attempts to coordinate my body. It is as if faulty wiring services my body. The wiring seems frayed and exposed. Everyday life events impact these defective wires and I experience jolts of electrical firing at unforgiving times. The response is like strobe lights in my eyes, racing thoughts and my speech is like a steamroller.

For me, medication has made the difference in how my brain operates. I know that some of you would disagree. I am blessed to have an excellent psychiatrist. I tell her how I am doing and together we discuss the medication part of it. Today I am stable. It’s the old; one day at a time that really works. This point of stability has taken over a year.

It has been within the last three years that major life events have taken an additional toll. My Mother died, my partner of 15 years was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer, I broke my wrist and had surgery, and I broke my leg and ankle and had surgery. I was financially bankrupt and working non stop on remodeling an old house to sell for a profit.  It was almost two years ago that I had the most serious rapid cycling episode ever and lost my job as a therapist. Since then my partner has died, I am on disability and will never work again as a therapist. I moved from Minnesota back to Oklahoma, my homeland, to live with my sister. I hope you can see that wellness is possible.  What do you think? What experiences have you had with wellness, even if it is one day at a time