There are days when humor takes its leave and quiet introspection resides inside my minds eye. For the most part I do not fear the return of a depressive episode but rather sit with the breeze coming through my window and write another brief post for my blog. Sometimes I want to share about the last three years and have some of the pain and sorrow fade into the words on the screen. I do not want the experiences to stay alive nor do I want to delete them as soon as they are on the screen. I will have to see what is most helpful as I write this draft.

It is another bittersweet recollection to note that I am more stable than at any other time in my life but that I am no longer able to be a therapist. I enter the last half of my life with the glass half full. I feel blessed that I have a well trained and sensitive psychiatrist who has gradually worked with me to find a balance of medications needed to manage the rapid cycling of symptoms that have become so severe over the last three years.

I was on Paxil for several years and for a long period of time I had a huge disconnect from my feelings. I made poor choices that impacted my life in devastating ways. I have heard other folks speak of this same disconnection of feelings on Paxil. It progressed from being “low key” and mellow to not caring what happened to me. I was not overtly reckless at first but as a number of major stressors occurred I became self destructive and careless.

I had two surgeries for a broken leg, ankle and another for a severely shattered wrist. This was the result of remodeling my house and doing the work myself. My mother died, my partner had terminal cancer and I had to declare bankruptcy. This was all within a year and I struggled to overcome the losses but found it overwhelming. At the same time I was remodeling an old house and was getting very little sleep. I worked 50 hours as a therapist and came home only to work until midnight on the construction of the house.

This pace went on for a year and a half. It was clear to my family that I was self destructive and they urged me to be hospitalized. I had a very wise and sensitive psychiatrist who gradually tapered me off of the Paxil. It was extremely difficult but I had confidence in her treatment and made it through the hospitalization with new and more balanced medications. It was clear to me that a balance of medication was needed for me to remain stable. It was however also clear that  I was not able to work, especially as a therapist and my psychiatrist recommended that I go on disability.

No matter how sad I am at the loss of a thirty year career as a therapist, I know it has been the right thing to do. I also agree with my psychiatrist that I have entered a chronic phase of the illness and need to have time each day to keep myself from regressing . I follow a similar recovery plan as a 12 step program. I take one day at a time to do what I need to do to remain stable. I am currently on several medications all of which are very helpful.

Reflection helps process the grief of the losses over the last few years. I used to fear contemplation and that I would become overwhelmed and stay in a place of darkness and depression. It is reassuring that  I can spend time processing the past and touch the painful feelings and yet shift back to my everyday routine. It is a combination of balanced medication, writing and spending time with others that helps make life worth living