The “Psycho” Inside the Therapist
February 13, 2008 8:40 pm The Psycho Inside The TherapistFor over 30 years of my life I was a respected psychotherapist. However, I also struggle with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I am a 59 year old woman and I find myself living on disability. I am not writing as an expert on bipolar illness, therapy or anything other than myself. There are some days when I am not even an expert on myself. Sometimes I will write about experiences from a therapist’s perspective and other times about my own journey with bipolar illness.
I worked with children and adults many of whom had bipolar disorder. I loved my work and it filled my life with joy. I held the title of Psychotherapist with dignity until my brain spun me in side out and shattered my judgment and self respect. The “psycho” part of my previous title irritates most ordinary folks but psycho-therapist is an accurate descriptor of what remains of my professional self.
I do not have the pain of depression or the racing thoughts of the mania all the time. I have respite for weeks at a time but have very little sense of humor. The other day I had a brief talk with my sister. I wondered why I have no sense of humor. I currently live in
There is an enormous expanse situated in my gut and at other times in my upper chest. The expanse is void of any feelings or sensations other than a vacant body part that is not hungry and is never full. It is the physical manifestation of the grief and loss of my precious work as a therapist. In the final days and nights before I had to take my leave from work and live on disability the polarity of my emotions resembled a tight coil. The coil itself had control of the rapid cycling that had been haunting my brain stem for over a year. I held on tight to keep from spinning off from what little reality remained.
While I have had one professional career I have always had two full time jobs. Therapy filled my days with warmth and compassion. My other job was keeping the bipolar disorder at bay. I understand that this illness is chronic and I spent my career fooling myself that I “had it under control”. Perhaps the mania wanted me to believe that even though it was chronic it would not necessarily be progressive. Unfortunately in my case it has gotten progressively worse and to a point where depression is forever on my heels. The mania is illusive and just plain sneaky. It resides just behind the pictures in my eyes and when I close my eyes I see back to my history of acting out. I also see a small pool of energy swirling that becomes a raging current. There is an invitation to jump in and place my eyes straight forward with carefree days and nights. For now the mania is contained by the shame and emotional pain I caused my family plus a butt load of medication.
I earned a doctorate in psychology and counselor education despite the fact that I was essentially a non-reader. I now wonder if the distractibility and racing thoughts have been the culprits of my learning problems instead of dyslexia. I have a “lazy eye” which means my eyes do not work together. I did not discover the problems with my eyes until I was working on my doctorate at the
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I know the title was tongue-in-cheek, but it hurts to hear words like ‘psycho’ – even in fun….
My wife got after me for these things – for a while, and now I don’t use them – not at all.
I think it behooves us to stear clear of them.
Not trying to be too hard on you here – just planting a seed….I think recovery comes when we begin to search for the whole person inside – the gift of who we are.
Duane
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Duane, I am not using the word psycho in a funny way. It is part of my experience as a psychotherapist. It has meaning for me because I crashed when I was a therapist. It was so much of who I was that I am looking back as well as looking at now. While I do not intend to hurt others with the word I do want to explain my life in my own words. Hopefully others will take the time to exchange different views as you do. Annie
April 4th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Annie,
I have been sober for 21 years, although it was not done through AA. The spiritual part of the program works wonders for many – but, wasn’t a match for me….(not that I’m not spiritual.
I think each of us has to find ways to recover – and often these ways are unique – as are each of us…..
I found a group called Recovery, Inc – they have meetings, and are not 12-step – in fact, relgion, politics, and medicine are off the table…..not to be discussed.
In any event, it seems like a fascinating group – will be attending for the first time soon.
The link is http://www.recovery-inc.com/introduction.html
Looks like there are three meeting locations in Oklahoma – just thought I’d pass the information on to you – in hopes it might help.
Hope you have a great weekend Annie,
Duane
April 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Duane, Thanks so much for the info. I too have been sober since the 1990’s. I also do not connect with AA. I looked at the link and there is one meeting fairly close. I may try to attend. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness. Annie
April 25th, 2008 at 4:40 am
Hi Annie, I would just like to comment on the humour part of this. I’m so glad to hear there’s someone else that battles with that. I’m a fairly funny person (class clown, in fact) but my sense of humour goes down the drain, totally. I miss that so much. When I’m not well, I try and “fake it till you make it”, but then hubby says I’m not funny at all, like I’m trying too hard. You just can’t win, it seems. I also enjoyed your “me, myself and I” post. I didn’t quite understand it, I think the concept is too big for my brain to take in all at once. I’ve tried to have different names for the different characters inside me, but that just makes me feel schizo, and I’m not. But I think there’s a way to apply the “me, myself and I” to me. I must just think it through. Thanks for this.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Simone, Glad you came back to my site. I visit your site frequently. I was a class clown too, but at home hid my feelings of sadness. The me myself and I post was a way for me to talk inside without feeling crazy.It was written several months ago when I was more disturbed than now. So don’t feel like it was over your head, the writing was mixed up. Perhaps I should write it again to see what would come out? Thanks for coming back. Annie
November 9th, 2008 at 8:07 am
annie,
i came across your site by accident. i’ve read a few entries, and not only do i really like your writing style, but respect the career path you chose as a psychotherapist immensely.
i’m thinking you had bipolar disorder whilst working as a psychotherapist? that is what i got from this entry. i would like to ask if your bipolar disorder affected in any way your chances of following this career. was it harder for you to be accepted into courses/jobs because of your disorder?
i would really appreciate this information. i am definitely bookmarking your site, i would love to read some more….
sarah
November 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Sarah,
Thank you so much for your comments and questions. Yes, I was a therapist for many years and was diagnosed with bipolar in my teens. I always kept it a secret until the last three years when the illness became severe to the point that I had to go on disability.
It was a struggle to do the schooling in the early years. I had to learn to manage the illness but choosing therapy was a good choice for me. It gave me the empathy that I needed to work with clients.
In my case the illness was progressive and ended my ability to work. I am 6o yrs. old so there were many life stresses that wore me down in my ability to manage the illness.
I hope this answers your questions and that you will come again.
Peace, Annie
November 12th, 2008 at 1:23 am
annie,
thank you for your answer. it DID answer my questions and i’m very sorry to hear that your problem was progressive. i have severe mood swings, wherein i go from all-around ecstatic, drinking excessively, having sex excessively and buying computers here there and everywhere to being so down that i envision myself doing stupid things. i have also been a self harmer for 5 years. i’ve been told numerous times that these actions are symptoms of bipolar, once by a women who IS bipolar herself. i’m hoping my dr’s appt tomorrow will get me on the way to sorting things out. therefore my question was inquisitive in general but also a bid for information as it is my aspiration to work as a psychotherapist.
thank you very much,
s