Today is bitter cold outside and despite the strong wind from the north I continue to be vertical. It has not dampened the warmth of my spirit . I feel blessed by this window of opportunity- free from depressive symptoms and I intend to write and call friends. I have been pondering (that is similar to contemplation but with less intensity) the various ways of expressing what this illness is like from the inside. I get bored with symptoms and would love to be able to paint a picture that was the inner me so I could walk into and feel as though I understand this illness and that I am understood by others.

When I think of how to express my experience with bipolar the symptoms seem like abstract words that primarily serve the purpose of diagnosis, medication management and goal attainment by mental health workers. It is, however, important to communicate using symptoms with your psychiatrist. Symptoms do not completely explain what it is inside that makes me in varying states of illness-wellness.

I find it easier to communicate through writing than through talking. The problem with grammar and writing has been with me since childhood and I have had to construct my own ways of learning and communicating. In my journey toward wellness I have tried to find a language that uses pictures in my mind rather than plain abstract words. Just using symptoms is at times not enough. A language of using pictures helps me understand how it feels inside from four directions. Some children use their imagination to create pictures inside. All you do is ask them to close their eyes and see the picture behind their eyes and they typically can see them there. It is also possible for grown ups to do the same thing, it may just take a little while to get the swing of it.

I use the phrase living metaphors to help organize my creative process about symptoms. By keeping my messages alive it allows for changes in my brain chemistry due to illness, aging or both. Sometimes I have a brain fart and do not know the definition or spelling of basic words so I look in the dictionary for help. Let’s go to the dictionary so we are on the same page with the word metaphor-a word denoting one idea in place of another to suggest likeness. When I use metaphors to describe how I am feeling, thinking and sensing throughout my body it seems as if the words come alive(at least for me). This is quite different than speaking in terms of symptoms. So for me living metaphors create an anchor that as much as possible keeps me in touch with what is happening inside. It also exercises my mind to articulate what is happening so I can make it better.

Think vertical defend against too much horizontal – peace. Pete