My Funny Bone in Action!
September 11, 2009 8:31 pm My Brain Takes it's Toll:Body Mind SpiritIt came to me today that there are brief snippets of humor spontaneously popping out with my friends and family. Much of the time I make wise cracks about myself or innocently poke fun at my loved ones. I figure that to truly mend my funny bone I need to know more about it. For instance where is the funny bone located in my body? For a long time I have imagined that it is situated in my heart space and connected to my rib cage. It seems that the sense of humor radiates from this space and is connected to laughter in my belly.
But then I think the seat of humor may actually be somewhere near my minds eye. A twinkle typically comes to my eyes when I laugh with other folks. There is also a blend of my life being ironic with my life being one big joke. I pause for a moment to check my manic-meter to measure what I call my “bull shit factor”.
For the last several years I have experienced symptoms of rapid cycling bipolar. When there was an internal momentum of energy building, especially humor and joking around I would begin to build on that energy with silliness and nonsensical word play that left me embarrassed and made a huge disconnect with others. It became difficult to pull in my chatter and it left others shaking their head and seeing me as a basket case. The final result was that I had a high level of the “bull shit factor”.
This rapid cycling became more difficult to manage at work and staying present with clients in therapy was at times more than I could contain. It was as if I could see it happen and watch as a particular version of word play and noises made their way into the conversation despite my desire to be what the client needed. This was in part what led to me having to leave my work as a therapist. These problems along with periodic depression that left me in a trance resulted in me being unable to work and going on disability. I vacillate between feeling shame about this part of me and feeling compassion for myself for the loss of a work that I loved.
How bittersweet it is to need my funny bone to be alive and thriving and yet have a moment of hesitation. I fear that I might crank up my joking and fall into a pool of silliness. Then what was predictable in the past was the death grip of depression blackening the pool of silliness. But then I just may be healthier now and can sit back and enjoy my funny bone in action!
September 12th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Dear Annie,
There is behavior I exhibited in the past that makes me cringe as well. Despite the fact that mine was medication-induced, I was embarrassed about it for years. And, then angry about how others responded to my behavior–because I didn’t how much the drugs were changing me.
Last January I went into therapy after a 20-year-hiatus in order to be done “once and for all” with all the baggage I was carrying.
My behavior has mostly been “back to normal” for a few years, and yet, I couldn’t rid myself of the feelings of shame and anger.
My therapist and I concluded our work–for now–a few weeks ago. I’m hoping that all of our work might prevent future depressive episodes.
Susan
P.S. I’m sure feeling much happier!
September 12th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Hi Annie,
When you said, “the seat of humor may actually be somewhere near my minds eye”…it made me think of the time I went to see and hear the Dalai Lama speak.
His speach was full of wordplays and lots of humour. Being brought up Anglican (a very SERIOUS Anglican;>) and also experiencing the aftermath of my own hypomanic like wierd wittiness that eventually leads to my feeling intensely uncomfortable and disconnected from others when I realize I am being “wierd”…
I sat listening to the Dalai Lama and thinking…shouldn’t he be more serious? Afterall he is addressing such very serious things.
It was only after I left that I recognized that his lightness and humour allowed the entire audience to relax and learn in a laid back environment. It also made him a less intimidating religious and spiritual leader.
Maybe we…you and I and others like us, are overestimating the negative affect of our humour? I recognize in myself that sometimes I become too gregarious, bubbly, effervescent, punchy etc….but maybe this is also a very valuable aspect of my self.
hugs,
…aqua
September 12th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Susan,
Glad that you responded to this post. Your comment helped me look at my feelings from a different perspective. We seem to have similar experience yet perhaps from a different source. My hyper energy was not from medication but the lack of support from an appropriate med. Now that I have the correct med. I have more peace in being humorous.
I think we share the experience of shame and this is a hard one to let go of and feel at peace. I imagine that your anger fuels the shame. I don’t feel angry instead I feel sad about it. At times I wish I was in therapy but have mixed feelings about it.
Thanks again for your comments.
Peace, Annie
Aqua,
Your comments are facinating and how great that you could see the Dalai Lama! I could see my humor being relaxing for clients at some levels but not helpful in other ways.
Perhaps the negative effects for me when I was with clients was my worry that I was taking conversations just in my direction instead of following along with them.
Your comments were very helpful, thank you! Peace,
Annie