Some of them are Crows and some are Ravens. But they share the same waddle and crossed-eyed stare. The glare off of  the sleet and the snow hides the difference while a contrast of black and white is like a razor’s edge. It leaves no room for gray as it simplifies life and makes nature-gazing crisp and clean.

I sway my head side to side as I track the Crows bobbling walk. I identify with the wadle and wonder why Crow walks with such a motion. There is a tune inspired by the bobbling and I find that I hum it throughout the day.

While they are known in part as a nusance, I ponder the habits of the Crow and find that they make their nest high in the trees. They work to have the highest vantage point to search for the sustenance they desire.  They stay just beyond the bird feeders on the front porch and are content to be fed cracked corn at  the edge of the yard.

There are finer looking birds but giving crow their due they lull me into a daydream with a side to side swaying of my head as I watch the special bobble of friend Crow.

Eventually I close my eyes and imagine that I can see from high up in the tree tops. I find that I long for cracked corn and for a while become my friend Crow. It is a momentary lullaby of my spirit, a tune of peace and more so … a blessed melody of healing and well being.

Hello again to my friends that have been with me for a year or so. I also welcome those of you who are just finding my blog. In my previous post I mentioned that I wanted to make some changes in my blog. I think I have a direction that will satisfy my efforts to do storytelling and journaling. As part of this effort I want to share mine and hope you will share yours. I feel this may be a helpful way to progress down the road of wellness and find healing. I will be writing from the perspective of an ordinary person and not as a therapist. If I write as a therapist I will let you know. I have already found stories that come from my childhood and have helped me understand about the role that bipolar has played in my life. I also found humorous childhood experiences that make me giggle and lighten my day. Both kinds of stories have been simple, childlike and helpful. Please feel free to join me and share your stories. Peace, Annie

I hope that each of you had a Happy New Years day and look forward to a peaceful new year. I certainly look back on the healing and wellness that was mine in 2008. Your support and words of support were important in this result.

I have decided to make some changes in my blog and wanted to share them with you. While it has been healing to write about bipolar it is time to break out to other topics. Primarily I want to submit my writing for possible comments rather than for my blog to be a personal exchange.

I have found that my writing takes a front seat to other activities that fill my day. I have never had the opportunity to write and I want to get feedback from others. The fact that I had problems in reading as a child means I do not have a clear sense of where to go with my writing. If this is not of interest to you I will understand if you stop reading my posts.

Peace to you all! Annie

Living alone and trying to make a go of it was too much. Petey and I are back in the hill country. I look forward to celebrating family gatherings and wishing to see other extended loved ones. Living with my sister is again the best place for me to be. Being among the simple folks warms the heart and lets loose of daily worries.

It was more of a struggle than I thought to find a job. It is important that I accept the limitations and strengths that are mine. Today I am sixty. The most complicated decision for today is whether I want icing on my brownies. What do you think?

I am pondering subtle changes that I want to make to my blog. Any suggestions?

Yesterday around noon I strolled out of Wal-Mart and headed for the gas pump. WOW! gas is $1.61 a gallon. I filled my car for half of what I did this time last year. I was at the pump and humming a tune.  A big black Crow hopped by in perfect rhythm with my tune. I like it when that happens. It is one of those simple and ordinary things about nature that makes me feel connected to the universe.

Then I noticed that the Crow’s leg was wounded and her rhythm was in response to the pain in her leg. My humming stopped and I felt sad that I had been so self-centered to think that the Creator had that particular Crow cross my path for a moment of pleasure.

The experience with that dear Crow gave me pause to ponder those situations in life in which folks find humor in others suffering. The example came to mind of people who are over weight and how they are the topic of either ridicule or the butt of a joke. But here I go again taking life way beyond serious and into the topic of pain. Perhaps it is that my own pain is fading and my focus is less on my own wounds but instead is directed toward other creatures. SWEET!

The leaves are off of the trees for the most part and I can see how the creek curves around to the north and east. There is also a pond to the east of the creek that I didn’t even know was there. I love fall leaves but our season of  color change was brief.

Thanksgiving is coming soon and I am looking forward to time with my family. My sister and I cook a turkey with all the extra stuff of a family tradition. We are already preparing or should I say she is already preparing ahead. She is putting up Christmas decorations today.  She absolutely loves all that there is to Christmas Season.

I on the other hand do not decorate. I take that back I did have live trees outside for many years with my partner. It was lovely, we fed the birds and the lights warmed them in the bitter cold of Minnesota. This is a cherished memory.

Well, I started with leaves off the tree to snow on a celebration tree. Memories come and go in random fashion since I lost my partner. Adjusting to the different climate is difficult. I love my sweat shirts and I want to wear one today. No such luck it is too warm. Oh well the journey down memory lane with each of you has is fun.

Peace, Annie

Fall is definitely here and the weather is making radical changes each day. The cool weather inspires me to write. I may have mentioned that since I live alone I could only afford living in a small trailer. It is comfortable in many ways but has its disadvantages. Night before last we had tornado warnings, strong winds and hail the size of a quarter. It covered the ground until it was white. The noise on the tin roof was deafening and then the wind shifted direction and the hail began hitting the back door and side of the house. It was like being inside a popcorn popper. The storm lasted for over 2 hours. It would intermittently slow down and the hail would stop. It would come back again just as loud as before.

 I began getting sleepy, got my dog and slept in the closet for an hour or so.  I woke up and the storm had passed. We got back to the bed and crashed fast asleep. I have been in many storms in Oklahoma. The fear never goes away especially when there is hail. Hail is commonly associated with tornadoes. Fear of storms is a kind of fear that needs to be harnessed. The noise of the hail, winds and rain can work you into frenzy. If you panic during a storm you are in for a nightmare. At its best you think about a safety plan, take deep breathes and wonder if you should take cover or ride it out.

 The next morning I took a look at the damages. There were none to my trailer however the stockade fence around the park was leveled by straight winds and branches were all over the place. It is not faith that helps you withstand a storm. The storm will either be destructive or it won’t be. It is a close call when ever you get hail. It is an angry sound that makes one think the creator is expressing displeasure with our actions. I suppose there is reason for him to be angry. I am thankful I have harnessed my fears of storms.

If the majority of my days consist of reflecting and feeling blessed then I will celebrate a life well spent. My fifty nine years have been full of a wide expanse of experiences. The writing that comes to me now is focused on my relationships with my late partner, my Peopledog Petey and thoughts about my career as a therapist. I have trouble sometimes holding the focus on just one thing and often have more that one topic going at one time.

I have simple and uncomplicated personal relationships with my family and a few good friends. It is not an exhausting experience to be with them and I treasure the comfortable exchanges. Friendships seem to have a season and now they are certainly a prosperous harvest of long term connections.

Somehow there is that missing primary relationship that calls to me. I question whether I will live out my life alone or will find another relationship. At times I think of how spectacular the relationship was with my partner and wonder if I could ever accept someone else in my heart. At other times I long to have a companion to share my life.

I suppose the process of discovering what is next in my life is the best way to answer the questions swimming in my mind. It also seems that my contentment is fine for now until there is more to my life. I have found in reading other blogs that many of you are in a similar stage of questioning your own life from many perspectives. An important part of writing for me is to reach out to my friends in the blogging world.

Blessed be the friendships that come !our way

It is just another ordinary Saturday and I am glad to have a break from politics. I am anxious for the election to come and for Obama to win. I used today as a time to catch up on posting and especially liked reading other blogs and catching up as best I can with my blogging friends.

 I am learning to live alone without feeling isolated. It seems to work most of the time and I find it helpful to write as best I can. I have limited flow to my writing right now. I am involved in a more introspective process that keeps me somewhat more private than in recent days. I am also writing a piece about my dog and stories from my childhood. It is light and fun when I can get the flow of it. I will share some of it when I get it to a point worth sharing.

 Take care friends! Annie

A fresh nip of coolness has come to Oklahoma this last week. I almost need to turn on the heater to take the chill off in the morning. It is great to wear my sweatshirt and remember the fall season in Minnesota. I miss my family and friends up there and hope to visit soon. I broke my glasses earlier this week and won’t get my new ones until next week. It is an interesting perspective to view life without my glasses. I feel somewhat vulnerable and exposed without them. This says more about some grief work I am doing than about my overall well being. I feel strong and able to do the grieving of many issues.

I have been writing regarding retirement from my career as a therapist. This is different than being on disability. It has helped to shift my work from writing as a person with bipolar to a focus on my life in transition. I find that I feel a lack of purpose and therefore have been trying to find a “job” that would fill my need to be contributing through work. I doubt that any other job would come close to what I found doing therapy. I have placed the job search on hold and have invested hours each day to writing. I think this may be the focus for me for now. The words seem to flow and I am enjoying the structure of my days doing writing.

 I will share some of my writing when it seems relevant. I do so appreciate each of you and your comments are very helpful. Some of you have commented that I need not have to be “writing” to enter a post and I can certainly see how this relates to my life transition issues. I thank you for holding me in your thoughts when I am not posting.This has been my attempt to check in and let you know how I am doing.